Bests of 2009

Happy New Year! As I catch up from spending the holidays with family, here’s a quick look back at the 2009 year in film, based on what I’ve seen so far.

Best Villain: Hans Landa (Christoph Waltz) in Inglourious Basterds

Best Performance by an Animal: The chicken in The Hangover

Best Performance by a Prop: Hans Landa’s pipe in Inglourious Basterds

Best Use of Office Supplies as Weapons: Drag Me to Hell

Best War Tactic: The acquisition of arrows in Red Cliff

Best Waste of Talent: The Men Who Stare at Goats

Best Example of “Quirky” Becoming Cliché: Away We Go

Best Kiss: Underwater makeout session to Jens Lekman’s “Your Arms Around Me” in Whip It

Best Sex Scene: The melodramatic humping to Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” in Watchmen

Best Sign that Sacha Baron Cohen’s Critics Are Right and He’s Nothing But a Comic Terrorist: The sabotaging of Ron Paul in Bruno

Best Sign that Diablo Cody’s Critics Are Right and She’s Nothing But a Manufacturer of Too Cute Wannabe Catchphrases: Any of the dialogue in Jennifer’s Body

Best Appearance of the Movies at the Movies: Manhattan Melodrama in the Biograph Theatre sequence in Public Enemies

Best Reminder Why I Haven’t Missed John Travolta: The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3, motherfucker!

Best Argument Against Procreation: Jae Head as the utterly obnoxious S.J. Tuohy in The Blind Side

Best Use of Special Effects: The interaction of Sam Bells in Moon

Best Thirst-Quencher: (tie) Blood transfusion bags in Thirst and a can of Coca-Cola in The Road

Best Junk Food: Twinkies in Zombieland

Best Junk: Dr. Manhattan’s perfectly swaying blue member in Watchmen (don’t pretend you didn’t look)

Best (By Which I Mean Most Ludicrous) Cliché: The assassin who just happens to wear a very exotic (and thus very traceable) designer boot in The International

Best Absurd Metaphor: “The Parking Lot” in A Serious Man

Best Exchange in an Absurd Jack Black Movie, Year One:

Olivia Wilde’s Princess Inanna: “I want you to enter the holiest of holies.”

Jack Black’s Zed: “That’s a coincidence because I want you to sit on the poliest of polies.”

Best Example of a Movie’s Delayed Release Leading to Inappropriately Lackluster Reviews: The Soloist

Best Example of a Movie’s Oscar-Season Release Leading to Overly Praiseworthy Reviews: Up in the Air

Best Unfairly Overlooked Performance: Maya Rudolph in Away We Go

Best Laugh: Nicolas Cage’s wheezing cackle after saying the name “G” as Terence McDonagh in Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call – New Orleans

Best Amazing Fucking Coincidence: Captain Kirk stumbling into to the other Spock’s cave in Star Trek

Best Costumes: The furry, dirty wild things in Where the Wild Things Are

Best Breakout Male Performance: Jeremy Renner in The Hurt Locker

Best Breakout Female Performance: Carey Mulligan in An Education

Best Stunt: Naked strut to the bed by Vera Farmiga’s body double in Up in the Air

Best Interrogation Across a Table: Landa (Waltz) and LaPadite (Denis Menochet) in the country farmhouse in Inglourious Basterds

Best Uncut Interrogation Across a Table: Father Moran (Liam Cunningham) and Bobby Sands (Michael Fassbender) in Hunger

Best Inscrutable Female Subject in a Documentary: Anna Wintour in The September Issue

Best Inscrutable Male Subject in a Documentary: Mike Tyson in Tyson

Best Example of Imitation Trumping Performance: Morgan Freeman’s too perfect Nelson Mandela in Invictus

Best Use of Split-Screen: The “expectations vs. reality” segment of (500) Days of Summer

Best Movie About the Growing Pains of Love: Adventureland

Best Reminder that I’m Fooling Myself When I Say I Don’t Get Worked Up About the Oscars Anymore: The frightening potential that Precious might win Best Picture

Best Reason to Celebrate: A mostly forgettable movie year is over

So, what did I miss? Any “bests” you’d like to add?